My story begins in high school, at the time of senior prom. I was dating a guy I met through a friend and her boyfriend. My friends had starting having sex and she would tell me how much they loved each other. My boyfriend and I had sex one time and then the second time decided to have sex on prom night. A couple of months after that, I found out I was pregnant.
I couldn’t believe it. I was so frightened. Being a Christian, I knew I had sinned by having sex before marriage. I was too afraid to tell my parents because I knew I had disobeyed them and God. We went to a small church where my third cousin was the pastor. I felt so much guilt and shame at what I had done, and didn’t see any way out except to have an abortion.
I talked to my friend and she said that she would take me to the clinic. I remember that even then God gave me ways out. I went to the clinic and the counselor talked to me and told me that she could help me tell my parents if I’d like her to do so. I remember thinking there was no way I could stand to see them disappointed and embarrassed by what I had done.
I thought abortion was my only way out and that it would be done and take care of my problem. I couldn’t have been more wrong. I went ahead with the abortion and deceived myself into thinking my problem was solved. After the abortion, I knew I had made a terrible mistake and knew it would affect my whole life. I cried so that day and to this day will never forget the pain in my heart for what I had done. After the abortion I went back home and tried to bury my feelings and memories of that day. I remember thinking if I just forget about it, everything will be okay.
There were different points when the pain of my abortion would come out, but I would just try to bury it and not think about it. I met my husband Steve in my first semester of college. He and I knew within a few months that God had brought us together and we would get married. We dated throughout college. I vowed to God after my abortion that I would never have sex again until marriage. I was never able to tell Steve about my abortion while dating. I thought that I didn’t need to share this with him because it was in the past. I knew I was living a lie and was not able to be truthful.
After about seven years of marriage we conceived our first child. I remember being so afraid during the pregnancy because I thought and feared that something would happen to my baby; that God would punish me. Even then I still couldn’t share with Steve my deepest secret and why I was so afraid.
When our son turned two, I felt God speaking to my heart about my abortion. I knew I had to tell my husband and mom and dad what I had done. I remember to this day when God showed me in His Word that I needed to come clean and share my hidden sin. I was reminded in Psalm 139 that the Lord knew everything about me and that he was familiar with all my ways. I was also reminded in John 3:21 that whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what he has done has been through God.
I told my husband about my abortion over Christmas break that year. It was such an incredible time in our marriage because for the first time I had been completely truthful with him. I asked him to forgive me for deceiving him. He was so loving and compassionate and I felt as if a huge burden of sin had been lifted. I was also able to share with my mother at that time, and asked her for her forgiveness. It was such a time of healing for me, and she felt terrible that I had gone through it alone and she was so compassionate.
Shortly after that, Steve and I found out we were pregnant-this time with a little girl. Again, I saw God’s blessing in my life. I was so thankful to God for helping me to finally be able to be truthful in my marriage and with my parents.
God began to work in my life again this year after I attended a women’s conference at my church. It was around this time that I was taking care of my mentor’s little girl. One day when my mentor dropped her off, she said “Tell Michelle what you told me.” Her little girl said that I reminded her of her “birth mother” in her mind, because she was adopted. It brought me to tears. I knew at that point that God wanted me to share with my mentor about my past.
I met with her and told her my story and she and I cried together. She told me about Sandy Day and Caleb Ministries and how there was a study I could do to help me. I know to this day that God was at work in my life and was drawing my closer to him to help me heal completely. She called Sandy and told her about me and that I wanted to talk with someone, and Sandy called me. This was an answer to prayer for me because I had been praying that God would help me to heal completely from the abortion. As in Psalm 18:6, I prayed in my distress, I called on the Lord. I cried to my God for help. From his temple he heard my voice, my cry came before his ears.
This study – Living in His Forgiveness – has been such a blessing to me. Through this study, I can now see how God has been at work in my life all along. I am SO thankful to God for his forgiveness and grace.
Around the time the study began I was finally able to tell my dad about my abortion and ask him for his forgiveness. He told me that he loved me and that he forgave me and that he had sinned too and that he needed me. We cried and he said he was there for me. This was such a time of healing for me to finally be able to tell him. God again had shown me his compassion and mercy.
The verses I claim are Psalm 103:3-5, 12 : Who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion. Who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagles.
As far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us.
I am reminded how deep God’s love goes. He has forgiven me of so many sins. Luke 7:47 says, Therefore, I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven – for she loved much. But he who has been forgiven little loves little. I realize now that God can take our greatest sins and work them for His good.